


The 5 Times They Argue and the One Time They Don’t

by valeskaisms



Category: Batman - All Media Types, Batman: The Animated Series, DCU (Comics)
Genre: Angst, Arguing, Denial of Feelings, Hate Ship - Freeform, I hate you is the new I love you, M/M, Narcissism, Petty, Petty Arguments, admittance of feelings (sort of)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-08-08
Updated: 2018-08-30
Packaged: 2019-06-23 15:02:58
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,679
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15608886
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valeskaisms/pseuds/valeskaisms
Summary: Ed and Jon like to argue.Well, most of the time, anyway.A 5 and 1 thing.





	1. Shades of Green

Edward’s suit had unfortunately — or, according to Jonathan, rather fortunately, as that “god awful thing” should’ve been tossed a long time ago — been ruined. It was unclear what exactly had caused the material’s colour to go patchy, but it was rather unsightly. Ed, of course, blamed Jon and “those damn chemicals”. The two of them tended to have a habit of blaming each other every time that the slightest thing went wrong. Especially when they knew it probably wasn’t the other’s fault at all. 

No matter what had caused it, one thing was clear: A replacement suit would be necessary. And so it was written down on a somewhat organised to-do list (something else they tended to argue about, surprise surprise). Although when Edwad read what Jonathan had written, he couldn’t help but shake his head. Of course Jonathan would put something as vague as ‘green suit’. Jesus fucking Christ, Ed isn’t sure how he survives having to put up with Jon, honestly. 

❝ Not just any green suit will do, Jon. You’re really slacking in terms of details. There must be at least a million shades of green. It needs to be an exact match for my last one. It can’t be a completely different shade, that would make me look ridiculous! Write down emerald green with it, ❞ Ed instructed, still shaking his head up to the very last word, a dramatic sigh leaving his lips. Nygma was all about the specifics, especially when it came to his dapper looks. He hadn’t meticulously planned out the same colour suit forever to suddenly have a change of shade now!

❝ You can’t be serious. That’s preposterous, completely incorrect, ❞ uttered Jonathan. The outburst was unexpected (although Ed probably should’ve expected something, since they never seem to have a conversation that doesn’t involve an argument). He continued, ❝ That suit is very clearly shamrock green. ❞ Jon thought there must be something wrong with Ed’s eyes if he thought that the suit was emerald green. 

Oh. If Jon wanted to argue about colours, Ed could do so all day.  
❝ That’s completely false. I think I’d know since it’s MY suit. Besides, don’t you mean it w a s, not is? Since it got ruined. Which I’m still certain was your fault. Look at the cost of fuelling your god damn fetish for fear! That suit was beautiful. Nearly as beautiful as me. And now it’s ruined, ❞ Ed rambled, accompanied by some rather over-dramatic facial expressions. 

❝ Don’t flatter yourself, Edward. You’re hardly anything special. Besides, that shit is just that. A suit. It’s just clothing, don’t be so immature about it! Honestly. You’re also discounting the fact that you’re too much of a narcissist and way too arrogant to consider the fact that maybe, just maybe, it could’ve been YOU that did something to wreck that suit of yours. Either way, there’s one thing that is certain — that suit is not emerald green. It’s the shamrock shade. Don’t belittle my intelligence by saying that I can’t guess a colour right, Ed, ❞ ranted Jon, rather exasperated with Edward — who stood opposite Jonathan looking rather unamused with his arms crossed and his eyes rolling over-dramatically every ten seconds.

Then, as if on cue, Jervis Tetch comes bounding into the room (because, of course, dork squad sticks together).  
❝ Callooh! Calla—Oh. What seems to be the problem? Are you late for a very important date? ❞ asked Jervis, trying his best to be genuinely helpful, but prompting a sigh from both Jon and Ed. As much as Tetch meant well, his cheerfulness when they’ve been arguing made the atmosphere rather strange. 

❝ No, ❞ replied Jonathan, half glaring at Ed with a clenched jaw. He was still a little angry from their arguments (if anyone was going to get riled up over the colour of a suit, it was going to be Jon and Ed). Edward continues before Jon gets the chance, ❝ We were argu—discussing the shade of one of my suits, and we disagreed. This fool can’t accept when he is wrong! ❞ Any excuse to get another dig at Jon in, of course. Under his breath, Jon could be heard frustratedly muttering something along the lines of, ❝ Who else do we know who acts like that? ❞ 

Before the argument can progress any further, Jervis spoke up with a rather concerned expression before leaving again. ❝ Did neither of you self-professed geniuses think to check the label? ❞ asked the Hatter before he left once again. That almost made the two men (who were supposed to be geniuses, or so they both often claimed) feel a little stupid, because they hadn’t considered that. 

No, they suppose they didn’t do that. They were way too busy bickering to think up any good ideas such as that one. Their eyes met for a brief second and then they both reached for the label at the same time, grappling and fighting over it until they had turned over the label in an accidental joint effort.  
Huh.  
‘Forest Green’.  
Seems they were both wrong. With the two of them glaring at each other still, they silently accepted a joint defeat and headed in opposite directions.


	2. Rising Temperature

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Lowkey inspired by a roleplay interaction I had with a good friend of mine. Credit to them for giving me the inspiration for this chapter.

One thing that’s extremely noticeable when you run around in a full, strangely formal green suit or a costume made nearly entirely of burlap (and occasionally some other scarecrow materials) is that Gotham City gets scorchingly hot during the Summer. With record highs in temperature, it was getting ridiculously difficult to cool down. In fact, it was one of the hottest Summers that Gotham has ever seen. And so Edward did what most men would do, and, after quickly looking around and seeing that Jon was focused on his work, he pulled off his shirt. Ed hoped that the other simply would be to engrossed in his chemistry to notice. 

Jon, looking up from his rather important work with his chemicals, simply stared in horror. Yep. Horror. That’s one hundred percent the way he was looking at Edward. It’s not like he’s admiring him out or anything. Pft. Of course not. (He totally is.) Either way, Ed being shirtless is rather an annoying distraction when Jonathan is trying so hard to concentrate. If Ed could just be shirtless elsewhere, it’d be so helpful. Ugh. 

❝ Edward, p l e a s e, will you make yourself decent? Nobody wants to see that. You’re distracting me from what I’m doing! ❞ complained Jonathan rather frustratedly, shaking his head and sighing rather loudly. He tried to go back to his chemicals without looking at Ed, but mostly failed. He couldn’t help it. It’s not Jon’s fault that Ed was so close and so distracting! It’s not like he liked looking at Ed (okay, maybe he did, but that’s a secret, he doesn’t wish to feed Ed’s huge ego). Jon very nearly resorted to putting a hand over his eyes, but he decided not to give Nygma a reason to call him childish or immature (even though that action wouldn’t have changed that he is _very_ mature, thank you very much). 

❝ Honestly, Jon, you’re so fucking desperate to complain that you find literally every excuse you can to do so. It’s way too hot to be wearing a shirt right now! If you’re that bothered then look away. Seems to me that you’re distracted because you actually DO want to see it, ❞ retaliated Ed with a roll of his eyes, the last sentence sounding rather smug. It’s the truth, really, and both Nygma and Crane know it, really. Ed was even tempted to laugh, but he didn’t. 

❝ What? No. I really do not, you narcissistic asshole. Any looking is purely for, uh, scientific research. Very important. Speaking of, I’d really appreciate it if you could go away so I can actually get on with my work, ❞ Jon replied rather defensively, getting more exasperated with Ed by the minute. He didn’t understand why Edward had to be so frustratingly annoying all of the damn time. It’s like he never takes a break from being insufferable. Jon just wanted one moment of peace for once. One moment he didn’t have to deal with Ed. 

❝ Mhm, sure, Jon. Scientific research, ❞ Ed scoffed as he gave his response to Jonathan, his tone dripping with venomous sarcasm. He clearly didn’t buy the pitiful, poorly thought out excuse one bit. Honestly, Jon wasn’t surprised. He knew as soon as he had said it that it wasn’t good enough for Nygma to actually accept. Edward then continued on with an almost nonchalant shrug, speaking matter-of-factly, ❝ I’m much more important than those chemicals anyway. ❞

At that, Jon let out a short snort of laughter — so short, in fact, that someone could almost miss it if they weren’t focused. Most people wouldn’t have even heard it. Luckily (or unluckily), though, Edward Nygma, of course, is focused if not anything else, and so he did notice it. Not that it mattered too much, though, because pretty soon Jonathan was speaking again, so Edward didn’t get the chance to remark on it. 

❝ No you’re not. You’re the least important thing here, Ed. ❞ he started, a cold expression on his face, yet somehow it didn’t carry all the way to his eyes, which still looked the same as ever. Crane’s words were rather harsh, as well as being a lie (because as much as Jon hates Ed, he still does care about him, even if he’ll never admit that). Right now he doesn’t seem to care, though, because Edward has just r e a l l y gotten under his skin. ❝ And yes, ❞ Jonathan continued, rather straight faced and fed up, sighing, ❝ Purely scientific reasons. Trust me, Ed, I would n o t look at you shirtless for any other reason than that. Now, I must look away or my eyes might burn. ❞

❝ R u d e. ❞ was Ed’s almost immediate comeback. He was frustrated, not upset, though. ❝ Honestly, Jonathan, you have no damn manners. ❞ And with that, Ed stormed off rather dramatically, muttering something under his breath about “that emaciated fool” and “give me a fucking break”, leaving Jon stood there just staring at the space where Ed previously was.

Of course, they spent the course of the next few hours internally blaming each other for their argument. They always did. It was almost like a tradition by now. They just couldn’t help but argue, could they?


	3. Riddle Me Scared

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's inevitable really that at some point, these boys would argue over the merits of puzzles and riddles versus phobias.

If there's one thing that anybody could guess about Jonathan Crane, it's that he spends the vast majority of his time tinkering away at some incredibly specific chemistry, hunched over in a lab (if one was available, of course, because although he always found a way to "make do" if not, some form of lab was always preferable to work in) for hours on end with no breaks. So it was little surprise to Edward that that's where he would find him. 

Edward _had_ been busy completing some rather intricate puzzles - they're good for keeping his mind sharp, he says, and it's of equal importance, he supposes, that he rather enjoys them (that's definitely an understatement) - but Edward Nygma is not a man who survives well when he's low on attention, so he went to find Jon. As expected, the man was busy making some new mixture of chemicals, the concentration evident on his face. Ed was pretty sure that he probably hadn't left the spot that he was stood in all day, and Jon definitely hadn't eaten. He was concerned (although, of course he'd never admit that), but definitely not because he cared about Jonathan at all or anything. Pft. Of course not. Rather than mention it, he focused on the reason he had sought out Crane in the first place - attention.

Sauntering over to Jon, Ed stood rather close to him (too close, Jon thought, especially while he was working), and rather simply said, ❝ I haven't seen you in a little while, it's been gloriously quiet. I'd almost forgotten the feeling of not having your annoying self around all of the time. ❞ With a grin, Edward waited for a reaction. He was taking the approach of - what was it people called it? - poking the bear.

Jonathan was, however, much too focused on his work, and so he only gave a little grunt in response. It was obvious that he wasn't even listening. Of course, Jon was rather busy, and this part of the chemical reaction was crucial. He couldn't deal with Ed being infuriatingly distracting right now. Jonathan could not afford to lose concentration. A slight frown appearing at the lack of success that his attempt had mustered, Edward instead chose to move increasingly close to Jonathan, invading his personal space. This received more of a response, as Jon set down his things - rather carefully - and turned his head to give Ed a piercing glare, a heavy sigh finding it's way from his lips to match his rather irritated expression.

❝ I'm busy, Ed. Can't you see that I'm busy? This is important. I'm working on a new formula of the gas, I really can't be disturbed right now! ❞ explained Jonathan in a somewhat angry tone. Ed always had to pester him at _exactly_ the wrong time. He picked up the vial of chemicals that he had been working on, hoping that what he said would be enough for Edward to leave him alone, or at least for him to be quiet (although he knew it was unlikely). 

Ed gave a dramatic sigh, and frowned. He exclaimed rather quickly, ❝ But I'm more important than some stupid chemicals, you emaciated fool! You can appease your fear fetish some other time! You haven't been around in _hours_ \- not that I care - busy playing with your chemistry set like a child! ❞

Jonathan let out an exasperated huff. He was rather furious about everything that Ed had said but this exact argument had occurred so many times that his reactions had gotten more and more subdued each time. A reply soon found its way out before he even had to think too much about it: ❝ You can’t exactly talk about interests when you’re obsessed with ridiculous puzzles and obnoxious riddles. You’re an asshole with a narcissistic personality disorder, who only finds joy in so-called brainteasers that could probably be found on the side of a toddler’s cereal box. Besides, phobias are not a fetish to me. Not at all. It’s so much more than that. It’s a fascination. Fear is very interesting. And useful! Unlike riddles and puzzles. ❞

That certainly felt like a big slap to the face. Edward rolled his eyes, rather enraged, preparing to retaliate, taking a deep breath. ❝ Actually, Jon, ❞ he started, ❝ Brain teasers keep the mind sharp and boost a person’s intelligence. Maybe if you stopped being so small minded and completed some, you’d become smart enough to understand that. And you can’t fool me, Jon, I know you get off on that weird fear shit or something. Nobody is _that_ obsessed with making people scared. ❞

A snort left Crane at that, somewhere between amusement and annoyance. He shook his head at Edward, already trying to force the other male out of the door (well, gradually moving closer so he had to take steps back towards the door, anyway). ❝ I have a doctorate in psychology, Ed, I don’t need to do brain teasers to be intelligent. Do keep up. If I have a fetish for fear, you must have one for riddles, because you’re utterly obsessed with them, much more than any interest I have in phobias - which I hadn’t thought possible. Honestly. Now, I’m going to get back to work. Either shut up or leave. ❞

Edward frowned, muttering, ❝ But, ❞ then cutting himself off when he saw that Jonathan was giving him that certain look that showed that he really was going too far now. Sometimes he liked to push it further, to see just how far he could mess with Jon, but for now he decided against that. Instead, he watched Jon work, becoming quiet, just for a little while (because nothing ever actually stays quiet with these two).


End file.
